Heartfelt Rambling

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with her
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my mother again.
Luther Vandross (edited)

If there is anyone on earth you will regret not spending enough time with when they pass on, or just before you pass on, then now is the time to do something about it.

I started this piece like any other, not with a goal in mind, just a way to pen my thoughts, my feelings. I don't even have a title. Been thinking of my mum recently and it is hard, really hard when the vision you have of loved ones begin to fade. It also hurts like crazy and no, pictures don't quite cut it. I wrote the first paragraph with my mum in mind when the news came in that my aunt died this evening. I remember her, always willing to help, she left behind 5 kids who lost their dad about 5 years ago, orphans now. Now that hit me, hit me like a 2 ton truck, hit me in such a way that I have no idea what I am writing at the moment, I am just letting it flow.

I have wondered at random times what living a life without regrets means. I now believe that it means that at the last moments, you can look back on your life and smile, just before you pass on. Smile a smile that embodies the statement "I have fought the good fight and I have finished the race". A smile that starts from the heart and peaks out where your lips begin.

I have always wondered why I shut the world out when I am hurting, now I believe and know that true sincere healing starts from within. Anything else can not last ends up as fake or at best a poor substitute..

I wondered why some wounds take so long to heal, till it was explained to me that the wounds do heal, but they leave scars and the memories when we see those scars are what hurt us. The memories are what hurt me at the moment.

I wonder why we walk through life most times, closing our eyes to the people around us, I am not talking about strangers, but friends, family members sometimes even closing our eyes to ourselves. We wrap ourselves in our shells to protect us and only realize(most times too late), how we have missed some of the most important moments in life.

I wonder why no matter how much I shut myself up when I am hurting, I end up taking so much longer to heal than when I open up and let someone in, someone I love and trust.

I feel so tired at the moment, weary. I do hope the piece below touches someone, someone like me, tired, weary, locked up in their own shell, wanting to heal, but not knowing how. You are not alone.


One of them days
A morning, the beginning of a bright new day,
I haven't slept enough, but must still get up,
I up my hygiene, go down on my knees and pray,
Lord let Your will be done till the day is gone.
On a usual day, this would be a beautiful day,
Today I can feel a cloud, I feel something missing,
I feel cold, can't shake that nagging feeling
There is an empty feeling that lingers

It is so easy to dwell on the cold, the shivers,
Even easier to wallow in hurt and pain that hinders,
Point fingers, push blame, riddled with grief,
Shot by bullets, from many a man's mischief.
Shut yourself up, so people won't see,
Tears keep flowing, won't let you be,
That space in your heart ever increasing,
The numbness it brings never ceasing.

I remember the sunny days gone by, happy days,
I remember the storms in between and I smile
Because I remember the rainbows in between,
Samples of love, promises of warmth to come.
So easy to forget when dark times come,
What it feels like to be warm and loved,
Easy to forget in pain, that its just one chain,
A chain which once broken opens the door to life.

Jaidi

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

God knows I miss her. My heart goes out to my cousins.