I think of God and moan, overwhelmed with longing for His help. I keep thinking of the good old days of the past, long since ended. Then my nights were filled with joyous songs. I search my soul and meditate on the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Has he forgotten to be kind to one so undeserving? Will he never again be favorable? - King David (Extracts from Psalm 77)
Trouble came to my door, came into my house, I looked up not in fear, I am definitely not afraid, but looked up weary. My eyes say I have given up, giving up on all pertaining to Life. My morals still stand, even though they barely do, beaten down so hard and for so long that even the thought of going through the effort one more time, wears me down to my very depths.
I sleep but wake up tired, I dream, but even those are dull, edged with the numbness of one who just can't take any more. Not too long ago I would have laughed at the very thought of the very situation I find myself in, not too long ago, the very whisper of the word tired, would not have fazed me. Eager, expectant, energetic. All smiles, quick to laugh, those came freely, readily and at will. I have seen many walk down this road, seen many fall by the way, never ever would I have thought that it could happen to me.
If I had a story to tell, that is what it would be. The title? "Memoirs of a Broken Soldier". Been long, far too long that I have been away from this blog. It used to be my place to express the feeling from the depths of my heart. Now the words come and go, but the feelings stay. "The feeling that there is more to offer life, than what I am giving, the knowledge that I am more than who I am, that I am less than I actually should be. I know there is something missing, I even know what it is. I lost something along the way, and I want that back". These are the thoughts that run through my head daily. But then I take a step and I falter, I walk towards my path and suddenly a million other possibilities loom up. Rather than make a choice, rather than make the right choice, I sit back down once again and time, the ever rushing time sweeps by me once more.
What am I trying to say? So many times nowadays, we have the struggles, our struggles, beaten down, made to look like passive things that where never really a problem, we bring the problems low and lift the triumphs up high. Because really in the eyes of the world, the triumphs make us strong. But then those same trials those problems we beat down are the very same problems that pull so many out of this race we run. We would rather give testimonies of the pains and perils we go through, after we have gone through them, than share our problems right at the point we go through them, because we all believe that "having problems make us look weak". We would rather cry to God, but then we cry "Why"?, we cry "How long"? wanting answers. Rather than ask for His hand to hold and guide us through it all. We spend so much time using the sword of God's word rather than spending time sharpening it, and so what happens? It goes blunt and it falls apart, and it stops being as effective as it used to be.
Rather than focus on all that though, i will tell you a story. It starts with a man, a genesis, a beginning. Called out and chosen by God. It started with a land given to that same man by God. Move the time up by 400 years and we have a people in an exodus out of Egypt. On one side we have Joseph leading his family into the good of the land, on the other side, we have Moses leading his people into the good of another land. Oh yes we have a few chapters talking about the sufferings of God's people, but we do NOT focus on it. My story can be told by a million people around the world I am sure. Just like I am sure a million more have at one time felt tired, felt broken, felt like despite anything happening around them. I have a couple of words tonight, words to inspire, words to give hope;
Blood on the cross...
Calm in the midst of the storm...
Peace that passes all understanding...
A river of Life, from which you will never thirst again...
An ever abounding grace, which is our foundation, the very path we walk on, always, ever sufficient for you...
You have stayed tired long enough, I have stayed tired long enough. The EXODUS, begins NOW.
The trials are not to make you weary but strong...
You are not alone.
