Heartfelt Rambling

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with her
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my mother again.
Luther Vandross (edited)

If there is anyone on earth you will regret not spending enough time with when they pass on, or just before you pass on, then now is the time to do something about it.

I started this piece like any other, not with a goal in mind, just a way to pen my thoughts, my feelings. I don't even have a title. Been thinking of my mum recently and it is hard, really hard when the vision you have of loved ones begin to fade. It also hurts like crazy and no, pictures don't quite cut it. I wrote the first paragraph with my mum in mind when the news came in that my aunt died this evening. I remember her, always willing to help, she left behind 5 kids who lost their dad about 5 years ago, orphans now. Now that hit me, hit me like a 2 ton truck, hit me in such a way that I have no idea what I am writing at the moment, I am just letting it flow.

I have wondered at random times what living a life without regrets means. I now believe that it means that at the last moments, you can look back on your life and smile, just before you pass on. Smile a smile that embodies the statement "I have fought the good fight and I have finished the race". A smile that starts from the heart and peaks out where your lips begin.

I have always wondered why I shut the world out when I am hurting, now I believe and know that true sincere healing starts from within. Anything else can not last ends up as fake or at best a poor substitute..

I wondered why some wounds take so long to heal, till it was explained to me that the wounds do heal, but they leave scars and the memories when we see those scars are what hurt us. The memories are what hurt me at the moment.

I wonder why we walk through life most times, closing our eyes to the people around us, I am not talking about strangers, but friends, family members sometimes even closing our eyes to ourselves. We wrap ourselves in our shells to protect us and only realize(most times too late), how we have missed some of the most important moments in life.

I wonder why no matter how much I shut myself up when I am hurting, I end up taking so much longer to heal than when I open up and let someone in, someone I love and trust.

I feel so tired at the moment, weary. I do hope the piece below touches someone, someone like me, tired, weary, locked up in their own shell, wanting to heal, but not knowing how. You are not alone.


One of them days
A morning, the beginning of a bright new day,
I haven't slept enough, but must still get up,
I up my hygiene, go down on my knees and pray,
Lord let Your will be done till the day is gone.
On a usual day, this would be a beautiful day,
Today I can feel a cloud, I feel something missing,
I feel cold, can't shake that nagging feeling
There is an empty feeling that lingers

It is so easy to dwell on the cold, the shivers,
Even easier to wallow in hurt and pain that hinders,
Point fingers, push blame, riddled with grief,
Shot by bullets, from many a man's mischief.
Shut yourself up, so people won't see,
Tears keep flowing, won't let you be,
That space in your heart ever increasing,
The numbness it brings never ceasing.

I remember the sunny days gone by, happy days,
I remember the storms in between and I smile
Because I remember the rainbows in between,
Samples of love, promises of warmth to come.
So easy to forget when dark times come,
What it feels like to be warm and loved,
Easy to forget in pain, that its just one chain,
A chain which once broken opens the door to life.

Jaidi

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

God knows I miss her. My heart goes out to my cousins.

Unfinished business...

So I had one of this spur of the moment thoughts and I decided to pen my thoughts down carefully, before it gets lost in all that gray matter that is my brain. My thoughts wander a lot and I guess tonight I was thinking of all the people out there who have kinda given up on themselves and let go of dreams, visions and ideas they have had and held on to for so long. For the ones who have been down and under for long thinking all hope is lost, you are unfinished business. Here are my thoughts, my words, I pray and hope they shine through to you, like they will and do to me right now.

Unfinished business
I had this dream while still a child,
To touch lives, even if I was wild,
Things changed, or I thought it did,
But my mind kept coming back to it,
Its my life, its my passion, I live for it,
Cos helping people is my unfinished business

In my teens I am searching for gold,
I am a rebel and I am out in the cold,
My mama says, God bless her soul
Come home son, I ain't done with you yet.
You may be stubborn, silly, difficult too,
But I love you, you are unfinished business

So your Savior has been knocking all this while,
You have lied, cheated, been through all sorts,
Been running for so long your chest hurts
You are bone tired, you got fear in your guts
Still sinning? He has been waiting all this time
Patiently, because you are unfinished business

Don't give up son, hold on my sister,
Just around the corner waiting is laughter.
Dreams gone cold will burst to flame,
Ideas forgotten will give you fame.
Those words, thoughts, ideas will come again,
Light them up, they are unfinished business


Jaidi
With love

The "Guilty Aftertaste" (Bittersweet)

You look so nice, so fine,
Your taste, like fine wine,
You are the envy of the crowd,
Anyone would love to make you theirs
I would too, oh yes I really would
The only problem is this,
I am in love with someone else.

Now if I were single and searching, that would be the word on my lips each time I walk the streets and meet a fine young woman. You are fine, yes, beautiful, classy, all the lovely names you call women of this time and age (the good ones). However my interest in them would be directly proportional to my capacity to have more than one person in my heart. We would talk, laugh, hang out, have fun, but there would be a line through all this, that if I dare cross would leave me with feelings so guilty, they would suppress anything else.

Now let us leave the streets and let us meet, let us tell tales of you and me, come let us reason together and bare heart and mind in ways we have not before. Now if you have ever woken up in the morning having in your heart and mind the thought that if only I had stayed back, if only I hadn't gone out, things would have been a lot different. Made a decision, not a decision that takes you through a series of bad events, but a decision that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, then you know exactly what I am talking about here, “the guilty after taste”. I did a lot during my years in school but because of a decision I made as a teen, all my experiences always left a bad taste, a feeling of regret. I made a decision to love Someone with all my heart, my soul and my strength and anything I did that was contrary to my love, left me with a feeling of sadness, emptiness, pain. You call it, I felt it. The same feeling that made Adam go into hiding, the same feeling that hit David every time the realization hit him of going astray. The same feeling that hit Simon Peter right after the third cock crow, the feeling that hit Judas just before he hung himself.

So there you have it, I hang out with friends and we have fun and we laugh and then we go home and all is fine with me, but if I take anything having a percentage with it, I feel awful the next day, not physically but emotionally. I see a girl looking really fine, if I walk up to her having or harboring thoughts, if I try to get with her, I wake up the next morning feeling awful. Some call it conscience, this guilt, some try to bury it in alcohol, drugs and many different activities that are but a poor imitation of the true feeling and they fail, when they fail they try and wave the feeling off. Not because they do not try hard enough, but because really you cannot fill the void left by someone who is everything to you, your all in all. No amount of alcohol, drugs or fun can fill that space, if anything it makes the hole even bigger, so they spend their life wasting away, in pursuit of something that simply is unattainable.

Now some people say kill the conscience, but then I don't truly believe your conscience truly dies, just like I do not believe that bitter taste can go away, no matter how much sweet stuff you drink,, but then that is my belief not yours. I also believe that if you truly loved, no matter what happens, that love still remains, it may become dusty, it may fade a bit, but it ever remains. Look at it this way, there are two kinds of lost sheep, the ones that get lost and the ones that set out with purpose on a journey. With the first, circumstance leads them astray, they get that guilty after taste almost everyday and the shepherd is ever searching and looking for ways to bring them back to the fold, that is the first kind. With the second kind, leaving the fold with purpose, tries to fill up the void, sweetens his mouth and heart with the good things of life and tries to kill the conscience. For this second kind, if this is you, there is still hope.

Come back to your first love, remember the days gone by that were so sweet. Did it not mean something to you? Come back to your first love, ever waiting, ever ready to receive you. Come back to your love.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Your two talents

But he that had received one talent went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money Matthew 25:18

I can imagine what that day would have been like, master calls servants together and he begins to share out the cash. To Simon, five talents, to Stephen four talents, Timothy got five as well, Matthew got three and I got two. I would have looked at my master in surprise, I would have looked at the other servants and wondered why. I would have wondered why they got more talents than I did. In my anger I would most likely have done what the servant did in a story told so long ago. In my anger, sorrow or whatever feeling I had, I would most likely have hidden the talents in the ground.

Today as with any other day, we get things, be them gifts; cash or kind, jobs, responsibilities, we get things in different sizes and different packaging. Now two things happen after we receive; firstly the manner in which we receive these gifts/responsibilities, secondly what we do after we have received. On the other hand there is the question what have we done to merit these gifts or responsibilities? In our work places most likely a result of hard work, with our family, friends and loved ones most likely as a result of being part of our lives. I am not writing on this day to talk about promotions, birthday gifts, thank you gifts and the likes. I am writing today to talk about God's free gift to us. Now the question is, what are these gifts, we have the fruits of the spirit, in our daily lives, there is a lot we do take granted (naming them will go beyond what I am talking about today).
There are a couple of things I did take note of in the passage;
Firstly

Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them Matthew 25:14

In the passage, the servants were entrusted with his wealth. Now looking at this, I am reminded of another passage in the Bible,

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”Matthew 28:18-20

It is one thing to share wealth and it is another to entrust. Entrust is to leave something in the care or protection of someone else.


Secondly,

He gave to each according to his ability Matthew 25:15b

Anyone remember the song by Kirk Franklin, "More than i can bear"? Simply put, it says God will not put more than you than you can bear, He will always make a way out for you as long as you put your trust in Him.

Why do I pull out the two different parts? It starts with a package, which for naming purposes I call "the two talents", some might have more, no one however has less. And it is given to us according to our abilities. Now some as stated in the parable, tend to get upset, wish they had more and some even go as far as burying these talents. But then they were entrusted to us, that we make the most out of it. I am not talking of gold, silver or precious things. I am talking of the free gift given us that is worth more than any of earth given substance. I speak of forgiveness and grace.
What have you done with your two talents today? Have you used it according to your Master's wishes or have you buried it underground? Are you jealous of others, desired more or have you used what you have in your hands?
Moses thought he was not able, Gideon thought he was not able, many people down the years have thought they were not able, but still with God, they did great things. What have you done with your two talents? It was what the 12 disciples started with, it was what Paul started with, it is what every believer starts with; forgiveness and grace. From those two, great things have sprung up and can spring up with you, yes even you.

Note: Talents here refer to money and not natural gifts inborn in all of us. Forgiveness and grace are free gifts, given to us as result of true repentance and being born again.