Heartfelt Rambling

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with her
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my mother again.
Luther Vandross (edited)

If there is anyone on earth you will regret not spending enough time with when they pass on, or just before you pass on, then now is the time to do something about it.

I started this piece like any other, not with a goal in mind, just a way to pen my thoughts, my feelings. I don't even have a title. Been thinking of my mum recently and it is hard, really hard when the vision you have of loved ones begin to fade. It also hurts like crazy and no, pictures don't quite cut it. I wrote the first paragraph with my mum in mind when the news came in that my aunt died this evening. I remember her, always willing to help, she left behind 5 kids who lost their dad about 5 years ago, orphans now. Now that hit me, hit me like a 2 ton truck, hit me in such a way that I have no idea what I am writing at the moment, I am just letting it flow.

I have wondered at random times what living a life without regrets means. I now believe that it means that at the last moments, you can look back on your life and smile, just before you pass on. Smile a smile that embodies the statement "I have fought the good fight and I have finished the race". A smile that starts from the heart and peaks out where your lips begin.

I have always wondered why I shut the world out when I am hurting, now I believe and know that true sincere healing starts from within. Anything else can not last ends up as fake or at best a poor substitute..

I wondered why some wounds take so long to heal, till it was explained to me that the wounds do heal, but they leave scars and the memories when we see those scars are what hurt us. The memories are what hurt me at the moment.

I wonder why we walk through life most times, closing our eyes to the people around us, I am not talking about strangers, but friends, family members sometimes even closing our eyes to ourselves. We wrap ourselves in our shells to protect us and only realize(most times too late), how we have missed some of the most important moments in life.

I wonder why no matter how much I shut myself up when I am hurting, I end up taking so much longer to heal than when I open up and let someone in, someone I love and trust.

I feel so tired at the moment, weary. I do hope the piece below touches someone, someone like me, tired, weary, locked up in their own shell, wanting to heal, but not knowing how. You are not alone.


One of them days
A morning, the beginning of a bright new day,
I haven't slept enough, but must still get up,
I up my hygiene, go down on my knees and pray,
Lord let Your will be done till the day is gone.
On a usual day, this would be a beautiful day,
Today I can feel a cloud, I feel something missing,
I feel cold, can't shake that nagging feeling
There is an empty feeling that lingers

It is so easy to dwell on the cold, the shivers,
Even easier to wallow in hurt and pain that hinders,
Point fingers, push blame, riddled with grief,
Shot by bullets, from many a man's mischief.
Shut yourself up, so people won't see,
Tears keep flowing, won't let you be,
That space in your heart ever increasing,
The numbness it brings never ceasing.

I remember the sunny days gone by, happy days,
I remember the storms in between and I smile
Because I remember the rainbows in between,
Samples of love, promises of warmth to come.
So easy to forget when dark times come,
What it feels like to be warm and loved,
Easy to forget in pain, that its just one chain,
A chain which once broken opens the door to life.

Jaidi

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

God knows I miss her. My heart goes out to my cousins.

Unfinished business...

So I had one of this spur of the moment thoughts and I decided to pen my thoughts down carefully, before it gets lost in all that gray matter that is my brain. My thoughts wander a lot and I guess tonight I was thinking of all the people out there who have kinda given up on themselves and let go of dreams, visions and ideas they have had and held on to for so long. For the ones who have been down and under for long thinking all hope is lost, you are unfinished business. Here are my thoughts, my words, I pray and hope they shine through to you, like they will and do to me right now.

Unfinished business
I had this dream while still a child,
To touch lives, even if I was wild,
Things changed, or I thought it did,
But my mind kept coming back to it,
Its my life, its my passion, I live for it,
Cos helping people is my unfinished business

In my teens I am searching for gold,
I am a rebel and I am out in the cold,
My mama says, God bless her soul
Come home son, I ain't done with you yet.
You may be stubborn, silly, difficult too,
But I love you, you are unfinished business

So your Savior has been knocking all this while,
You have lied, cheated, been through all sorts,
Been running for so long your chest hurts
You are bone tired, you got fear in your guts
Still sinning? He has been waiting all this time
Patiently, because you are unfinished business

Don't give up son, hold on my sister,
Just around the corner waiting is laughter.
Dreams gone cold will burst to flame,
Ideas forgotten will give you fame.
Those words, thoughts, ideas will come again,
Light them up, they are unfinished business


Jaidi
With love

The "Guilty Aftertaste" (Bittersweet)

You look so nice, so fine,
Your taste, like fine wine,
You are the envy of the crowd,
Anyone would love to make you theirs
I would too, oh yes I really would
The only problem is this,
I am in love with someone else.

Now if I were single and searching, that would be the word on my lips each time I walk the streets and meet a fine young woman. You are fine, yes, beautiful, classy, all the lovely names you call women of this time and age (the good ones). However my interest in them would be directly proportional to my capacity to have more than one person in my heart. We would talk, laugh, hang out, have fun, but there would be a line through all this, that if I dare cross would leave me with feelings so guilty, they would suppress anything else.

Now let us leave the streets and let us meet, let us tell tales of you and me, come let us reason together and bare heart and mind in ways we have not before. Now if you have ever woken up in the morning having in your heart and mind the thought that if only I had stayed back, if only I hadn't gone out, things would have been a lot different. Made a decision, not a decision that takes you through a series of bad events, but a decision that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, then you know exactly what I am talking about here, “the guilty after taste”. I did a lot during my years in school but because of a decision I made as a teen, all my experiences always left a bad taste, a feeling of regret. I made a decision to love Someone with all my heart, my soul and my strength and anything I did that was contrary to my love, left me with a feeling of sadness, emptiness, pain. You call it, I felt it. The same feeling that made Adam go into hiding, the same feeling that hit David every time the realization hit him of going astray. The same feeling that hit Simon Peter right after the third cock crow, the feeling that hit Judas just before he hung himself.

So there you have it, I hang out with friends and we have fun and we laugh and then we go home and all is fine with me, but if I take anything having a percentage with it, I feel awful the next day, not physically but emotionally. I see a girl looking really fine, if I walk up to her having or harboring thoughts, if I try to get with her, I wake up the next morning feeling awful. Some call it conscience, this guilt, some try to bury it in alcohol, drugs and many different activities that are but a poor imitation of the true feeling and they fail, when they fail they try and wave the feeling off. Not because they do not try hard enough, but because really you cannot fill the void left by someone who is everything to you, your all in all. No amount of alcohol, drugs or fun can fill that space, if anything it makes the hole even bigger, so they spend their life wasting away, in pursuit of something that simply is unattainable.

Now some people say kill the conscience, but then I don't truly believe your conscience truly dies, just like I do not believe that bitter taste can go away, no matter how much sweet stuff you drink,, but then that is my belief not yours. I also believe that if you truly loved, no matter what happens, that love still remains, it may become dusty, it may fade a bit, but it ever remains. Look at it this way, there are two kinds of lost sheep, the ones that get lost and the ones that set out with purpose on a journey. With the first, circumstance leads them astray, they get that guilty after taste almost everyday and the shepherd is ever searching and looking for ways to bring them back to the fold, that is the first kind. With the second kind, leaving the fold with purpose, tries to fill up the void, sweetens his mouth and heart with the good things of life and tries to kill the conscience. For this second kind, if this is you, there is still hope.

Come back to your first love, remember the days gone by that were so sweet. Did it not mean something to you? Come back to your first love, ever waiting, ever ready to receive you. Come back to your love.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Your two talents

But he that had received one talent went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money Matthew 25:18

I can imagine what that day would have been like, master calls servants together and he begins to share out the cash. To Simon, five talents, to Stephen four talents, Timothy got five as well, Matthew got three and I got two. I would have looked at my master in surprise, I would have looked at the other servants and wondered why. I would have wondered why they got more talents than I did. In my anger I would most likely have done what the servant did in a story told so long ago. In my anger, sorrow or whatever feeling I had, I would most likely have hidden the talents in the ground.

Today as with any other day, we get things, be them gifts; cash or kind, jobs, responsibilities, we get things in different sizes and different packaging. Now two things happen after we receive; firstly the manner in which we receive these gifts/responsibilities, secondly what we do after we have received. On the other hand there is the question what have we done to merit these gifts or responsibilities? In our work places most likely a result of hard work, with our family, friends and loved ones most likely as a result of being part of our lives. I am not writing on this day to talk about promotions, birthday gifts, thank you gifts and the likes. I am writing today to talk about God's free gift to us. Now the question is, what are these gifts, we have the fruits of the spirit, in our daily lives, there is a lot we do take granted (naming them will go beyond what I am talking about today).
There are a couple of things I did take note of in the passage;
Firstly

Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them Matthew 25:14

In the passage, the servants were entrusted with his wealth. Now looking at this, I am reminded of another passage in the Bible,

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”Matthew 28:18-20

It is one thing to share wealth and it is another to entrust. Entrust is to leave something in the care or protection of someone else.


Secondly,

He gave to each according to his ability Matthew 25:15b

Anyone remember the song by Kirk Franklin, "More than i can bear"? Simply put, it says God will not put more than you than you can bear, He will always make a way out for you as long as you put your trust in Him.

Why do I pull out the two different parts? It starts with a package, which for naming purposes I call "the two talents", some might have more, no one however has less. And it is given to us according to our abilities. Now some as stated in the parable, tend to get upset, wish they had more and some even go as far as burying these talents. But then they were entrusted to us, that we make the most out of it. I am not talking of gold, silver or precious things. I am talking of the free gift given us that is worth more than any of earth given substance. I speak of forgiveness and grace.
What have you done with your two talents today? Have you used it according to your Master's wishes or have you buried it underground? Are you jealous of others, desired more or have you used what you have in your hands?
Moses thought he was not able, Gideon thought he was not able, many people down the years have thought they were not able, but still with God, they did great things. What have you done with your two talents? It was what the 12 disciples started with, it was what Paul started with, it is what every believer starts with; forgiveness and grace. From those two, great things have sprung up and can spring up with you, yes even you.

Note: Talents here refer to money and not natural gifts inborn in all of us. Forgiveness and grace are free gifts, given to us as result of true repentance and being born again.

By the rivers of Babylon...

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered ZionPsalm 137:5-6.

Its evening, a cool breeze, smells of flowers in the air and right in front of me is one of the most beautiful sights the eye can behold or imagine, beautiful waters, teeming with fish, rivers lush with green grass topped with wonderful looking trees, it is the river of Babylon. It is a sight so good it would make an artist drool but I gaze down from where I sit with tears rolling down my eye, because I know for sure, that where I come from for so many reasons, is a lot better, I know that where I come from, I was free.

Its late at night, I enter a night club, music is blasting, people are dancing, I have this stunning lady by my side we walk to the bar, order a couple of drinks meet up with friends. Everyone looks like they are having fun. The music is good, the company is even better and my friends sometimes they are just the best. Not tonight though, tonight I remember the last time I was in His presence and I know for sure that tonight is nothing compared to that.

He looks so handsome in his wedding suit, dazzling smile on his face as he beholds his bride. Her wedding dress is beautiful, her walk so graceful. Everyone looks at her and then look at him, he is the envy of all the single men. All eyes turn back to the bride as she makes her way to him. If only they could look beneath the veil and see the fear in her eyes, if they could feel her heart beat fluttering in fear because she is so unsure. Am I doing the right thing? Why am I here? If only they could have a glimpse of her thoughts as she remembered the last time she was totally happy, with "that guy". He made her laugh, he brought her joy. She may have lacked a couple of things, but he made her happy.

Three different stories from three different times, the same meaning though, practically the same story line. I mentioned in my post Pillar of Salt about the effects of leaving a situation at the right time and leaving your heart in it. Today I am writing about leaving the right situation, sometimes unwillingly, most times by choice.
Babylon was a wonderful place, a beautiful city, beautiful land full of all sorts and manner of people. Does that remind you of similar situations and temptations that cross our path? Sometimes more money just isn't worth it, sometimes being more handsome or more beautiful isn't a high enough price to pay. So many reasons we give (really excuses) to walk out of different situations because we just feel that where we are just isn't worth it.

How can we sing the songs of the LORD while in a foreign land?
If I forget you, Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its skill. May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you, if I do not consider Jerusalem my highest joy. Psalm 137:4-6

I read that passage tonight and I remember all the things I told myself when i was younger. No drinking, no smoking, womanizing being just a few. I kept all these until I got to my Babylon. I broke all my rules, every single one of them. One thing I know for sure, I had no peace, not for a day or a night all through that time. We make promises, we vow, make rules and we are so sure we will keep them. We make those promises long before we gaze on Babylon, long before we see beauty good enough to make our gaze, make our memories waver, make our steps falter long before we slowly begin to fall. Now the question is, what is your Babylon? Are you in a new place, a job, a city? Have things gotten a lot more interesting lately? There is a new guy/gal in the house and you just can't shake off that interest? You just made new friends that have brand new habits and you just one to try something new? You forget promises made, songs sang, the prayers made on knees not too long ago. You forget it all when you come face to face with Babylon.
I can assure you of three very true things;
Firstly, Babylon is no more, Mount Zion still stands. Secondly, Mount Zion has always been and will always be more beautiful that Babylon. Finally, you are not alone. Peter fell flat on his face several hours after he promised that he would stay true, it is what you do after you land in Babylon that matters.

Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness. Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion, on the sides of the north, the city of the great King. Psalm 48:1-2

And I looked down at Babylon, remembered Zion and wept...

A time for everything... (A time to mourn)

When it's dark and cold, when the tears don't cease their flow,, when hope is cold, fears blazing, when despair perpetually knocks on my door. Help me see, help me know that You are near

I remember that morning, a morning from years gone by. I was young, in my early teens and that morning it was my duty to take the waste out and I did; two problems though, the dump was a 20minute walk from my house and it was about 5.30am in the morning. End result? I got myself arrested because unknown to me, the government had declared that area as unfit for dumping waste. Imagine this, a young teen arrested at about 6am in the morning, you can imagine how frightened I was (or was I?). But then imagine this, how worried my mother was when I didn't come home. A while after, my mum came to look for me, she found me kneeling down with several other culprits and my mum did something that today, brings tears to my eyes, she knelt beside me and told the officials (that is what I think they were), to take her instead. She pleaded, she begged and finally they let us go on the condition that we cleaned up the area. Today, many years later, that is what I remember, my mum kneeling beside me even more scared and worried than I was. My mum died on the 4th of April 2009. This is just one of the many memories I have of her.

I remember that afternoon, I was a student working over the holidays. I was driving and a colleague of mine, a student as well, was a passenger; he asked me to take him home to pick up some stuff. He lived in a part of town known for serious and most times brutal gang battles. The whole country knew of that area. I was freaked out that afternoon but I took him because he asked and because I believed him when he told me not to be scared. It was my first time in that part of town and till today I remember that afternoon, we talked, we laughed made the trip and got back in one piece. He lived with His grandma because his parents didn't stay in that town. I still remember that morning, the 1st of January 2007. I saw an elderly woman crying on TV while being interviewed, crying because the police wouldn't give her access to her grandson. That is how I got to find out that Clement had been shot dead that morning during a gun fight between the police and gang members. He was on his way back from church.

As a child I would never have understood what it cost my mother to see her son arrested or detained for something he knew nothing about, as a father I now do. As Clement's friend, knowing the life he lived while alive, there is no way he could have been a gang member, no way in my mind he would have deserved death, but now I know better. We live in a world with so many different memories, a lot of time we choose to shut out the pain, to act like we don't care. Sometimes we choose to dwell in the pain, in the hurt and we end up with heart breaks. I don't know which you choose but then I do know this, "there is a time to mourn and a time to dance". There is a balance. I chose two examples on this day to share and say this that no matter how dark it gets, light always finds a way to shine through. We mourn, focusing on the death, the reasons. We question God and sometimes we tend to stray towards losing our faith. There is a time to mourn and mourn properly not focused on the death, but focused on the lives lived here on earth. Then and only then can our mourning be turned into dancing again. Then we can focus on the light, the glimmer of hope that shines through the darkness and reaches out to us, then we can reach out to it and have our tears break up with smiles, joy and laughter.

Smiles of joy, tears of laughter,
Breaking through hearts in despair,
Rays of hope, myriads of light,
Shining through the darkest night.
A time to mourn, a time to dance,
The time is now, stretch out your hands
To healing, a broken heart,
To find your way, o lost soul
To revival, a wavering life

.
Though we are many, we are one. We face the same fears for different reasons, we cry the same tears for different reasons, we find hope however for similar reasons, we find life for the same reason, the One who came to save us all, He is our Light, our Life, our Hope.

You will smile again

Pillar of Salt...

Sometimes we claim to move on, but sometimes we leave our hearts behind. be careful when you look back, remember Lot's wife

The opportunity it comes but once. Whether it be once in a lifetime, a decade or a year, a month or a week, a day, an hour or even in a second. There comes a time when the choice you make can determine how the rest of your life, year, month, week or day can become. I am not talking of those life changing moments where the big contract shows up, or the big job, or the addition to your home. I am talking about the moment when you choose to look back to the past, that moment when you choose to look back at what you have left behind. That point where you don't just look back but begin to miss or long for the things you rightly left behind.
Most times we claim we have moved on, we say things are fine and well, but the truth is sometimes we leave our hearts behind, we leave something behind that makes us look back. A something (if I may add) that makes looking back seem entirely worth it.
Breaking up a relationship for the right reasons but missing it every now and then?
Walking out in a compromising situation but missing its security?
Leaving company you used to keep to prevent introduction to vices you can't handle? But oh its Friday night and don't you just long for their company a lil' bit?
There are countless examples I am sure apply to us in our different areas in life. You know best, its your life just like I know best about mine.
We all talk about withdrawing a little bit at a time but a lot of times, the things we desire or we claim to want turns it all on its head. Today I ask, which is more important? The work of your hands or the desires of your heart? I say this now, with a better understanding of what it may truly mean, I am saying it now with a slightly different perspective. What I have, what you have right now, who you are, who I am right now matters more than who you were or who you are going to be. I am a sinner (now), I was a happy Christian two days ago, but right now, I HAVE to repent. I may be a happier Christian tomorrow, I may be worse off, but right now I need to repent. I could use many different examples, but I will use just one, me.
I am a father, the father of a five year old child I hardly ever see. Not because I don't want to, but because time, distance and conditions (in the past) made it more convenient to stay away from him.
I am single and many times truly, I think and I wish I had a wife to be at least, I wish I had a baby girl. That however has not happened yet, it is my heart's desire. While many would say work towards it, the truth is I have a child from the works of my hands, it is what I have now. So this year and quite recently, I have decided that this is what matters to me, not a wife to be, or a daughter to be, but a father at the moment.
I know who I am, I know what I have even better I have learned to understand God's gift to me, I know where I have been and I understand there is still a long journey ahead, so I start looking ahead, focused on the now, focused on the works of my hand living in the present, God's gift to my life.
Not the wife or the family I could have, but the family I have at the moment, not looking down on the colleagues I have at the moment because of the job I am looking towards, there is a long list, add to it as you please.
Remember these two things however;
- The only time you have is now, it is the only time you have to see what IS important, use it wisely
- if He can clothe the birds of the air and the flower of the field, how much more a child of His? Is anything too difficult for Him? Eye has not seen, ears have not heard about what He has prepared for you, only if you believe NOW, only if you live for Him, NOW.

Now is the appointed time, now is the day of judgment.

Life or something like it

If today was the last day of your life, how would you live it?

It has been a long eventful year, not a year I can look back on with pride, but more like a year I scraped through, only just making it and acquiring quite a number of bangs and bruises. I remember the people I met, the friends I kept, the ones I left and the ones I have hurt and I wonder.

We say we have problems in our lives, we encounter difficulties. We call them issues, problems, inconveniences, we try sometimes to make them seem trivial and unimportant but truth be told most times they leave us weary, tired, some heartbroken others cold and empty. We call it life and we try to move on.

Have you ever wondered why women abort babies, one, two, three of them and others, stayed with one man all their life, lose their first pregnancy, their second or fail to even conceive a child. Some lay the blame in all sorts of places, others call it life and we try to move on.

I totally respect all single mothers out there who have the guts to keep their child, to nurture and raise the child in spite of how society looks at them, but when one child turns to two and then three, I wonder. We look down on them alike, the women having made one mistake and then the rest making the same mistakes over and over again. We call it life and we try to move on.

We all go to church and we hear calls for the sick, the poor, the business man and woman, the barren. Hardly ever do we hear calls for the broken heart, the broken spirit. Widows and orphans do not get as much time as for the tithes, the offerings, the lavish cars and buildings we choose to endow ourselves with; all in the name of our "Lord being good". For the less fortunate we call it life and we try to move on.

How I hate the word "less privileged", shielding the fact that the people are not just some unlucky people who had life dished out to them on a cold plate. Truth is people lose jobs, circumstances beyond our control do happen and most of all, it could happen to you. Yet we call it life and we try to move on.

Famine in Asia, hurricanes in the Caribbeans, snow storms in Europe, terrorists in Pakistan, Afghanistan, showdowns in the Koreas, strife in Jos and other parts of Nigeria; we see all this, we talk about it and then we move on, telling ourselves it is part of life.

The year is coming to an end, a new one is beginning, looking back on it ask yourself this question; "Have you lived life, or something like it?"
Fought with loved ones for things that don't really matter. Argued with parents at times when you could have been wrong,
The list is endless, the possibilities countless, but for every time we put ourselves first, our wants our desires and our needs, telling ourselves each and every time that "it is life and should be lived to the fullest, no matter the costs"
Remember this; the lives lost of people that truly did not deserve death, unborn children who never get to see the light of day, people who have lost their jobs and loved ones through no fault of theirs. Think about the people on the receiving end of natural disasters, armed robberies, bombings and persecutions. We call it life but then it could happen to you.

Humble beginnings, glorious endings, a journey untold, lives yet to unfold, it could go on for ages but then it is coming as a message. 2010, a year that ran so fast but held so plenty, mistakes made, lessons learned, lives lived, touched and broken; passively or actively, I don't know. i do know this for sure, in spite of buffers carefully laid, hearts carefully protected, money carefully saved, a job seemingly untouchable. It could happen to you.

You could call it life or something like it, I see heartbreaks and aches, I see pains unsaid, I see lost lives, lost minds desperately seeking answers, and while i saw people walking on in 2010, i see people making a difference in 2011.
It is not just life or something like it, it is the lives of people and something can be done about it. Touch a heart, spread some warmth, touch a life, make a difference

For the faint, the weary, losing hope, tired of life and its never ending challenges. i have this to say

I know this for sure; although you may start out as a little seed, you will land, you will root and you will grow, no matter where it is. You will hurt for a while, you will be lonely for a while, and then you will shoot out and be your own person. Strong as you are meant to be, bold as you have to be, facing the odds with your foundation sinking far beneath the ground you see.

Happy New Year

Let it flow...

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

Imagine a river flowing with a really strong current, imagine a little boy on a log of wood drifting down the river, a boy that does not know any better. In all likely probabilities, combinations and permutations, the little boy would be scared, frightened, but then that little child would in all likelihood hold on tightly to that log and let the river guide him to wherever it takes him to. Add 10, 15 or even 20 years to that child, give him the same scenario and you have a young man struggling with all his might and heart to get to shore before the river kills him.

The words "Let it flow", came to me last night just before I closed my eyes to sleep. And I pondered and wondered for a while, what it truly meant and then it hit me. The whole of this year, I have striven and struggled to set my life the way I thought it should be and it has been a battle, a battle I was slowly but surely losing. And I compared my life to what it was when I was a kid and I compared it with what is happening to me now. Things I would not have sought out for, not bothered myself about a couple of years ago are the things i go out of my way to find now. I am not talking about money, food or clothing. Not talking about jobs and the like. I am talking about answers to questions, reasons behind particular situations in life. As a child, i took each day as it came, end of the day meant I looked forward to the next day, a day passed was simply that, a day passed. Now I hold on to things from days gone by, worry about things in the days yet to come, I don't trust as I used to, I don't cast my cares and worries to God like I used to.

Three scenarios come to mind today from three different times;

- Thinking about Noah in the ark, him, his family and all the saved animals. Not knowing where the ark would land they stayed in the ark and God guided it, they let everything flow...

- Step in Moses as a baby, in a reed basket coated in tar, neither him, nor his mother, nor his sister, knew where that basket was going, God did, and what did all 3 people do? They just let it flow. All the way to the basket being picked up by Pharaoh's daughter and Moses destiny starting up.

- David was anointed king as a boy but it took him a long long time before he became king. Opportunities came about where he could have snatched his destiny, but he held it in, he didn't brag about it or start a revolution, he let it flow and God worked everything out.

The way I see it, we start out like Moses in our little reed basket, trusting, not fighting, just letting God guide us. But being human which is our biggest problem (if you ask me) we think we are grown and we build a both, take d steer and start doing things as we deem fit, in other words we start doing God's work for Him rather than letting him do His work and us doing His will.

Our problems begin most times, when we stop being content with what we have or what we are, the world teaches us to strive for worldly things, and that is what we grow up believing, that is what is taught in so many places. We hardly get teachings about striving for godly things a closer relationship with our Father.
What am I trying to say? It is okay to freak out, okay to be scared, where we run into problems is when we try to break the flow, or guide the river (absurd as it may sound I have tried it before).
Truth be told, as we go with our Father's flow, we get closer to Him, really really closer. A closer walk with him daily.
A walk, where we just let it flow, let God truly guide our path.

The pain of Forgiveness

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge. Psalm 51:4

I have heard spoken so many times, "I am a sinner saved by grace through faith". Spoken from the lips of Christians who by all rights have every right to believe and hold unto that. Indeed that it a beautiful thing, as beautiful as the words of John 3:16. I wonder though how many Christians take it to heart and hold it dear what it cost God and his only Son to save just one sinner from eternal damnation and bring him to the Light.
I have also heard say, that you only have to be saved once, when you repent of all your sins and after then all you have to do is ask for forgiveness from God and all will be rectified and made well again, now again I ask, when we do that, I wonder how many remember what it cost?
I have also heard this, "God loves me just as I am, I am His child, He is my Father". I still wonder again whether we do remember what it cost, to bring salvation to the world. I like to believe that also that God loves me and indeed He must or else He wouldn't send His Son down to die for us.
Now we kneel and ask for forgiveness every single day for some people and for others, when we are sick or we nearly have an accident. I wonder how many people remember the words from the Lord's Prayer that says "Forgive us as we forgive them that sin against us", I dare to ask, right before you kneel, have you forgiven? The many people that offend you daily, have you forgiven? The many you offend daily, have you forgiven them? We expect so much and we give so little and i wonder, based on the saying "whatever you sow, that you shall reap", how many of us deserve forgiveness? Especially at the cost for which it was purchased (it is not my answer to give, but God's)?
Yes He is a merciful God, but one thing I know for sure is this, my God hasn't changed, He hated sin then and I am very sure, He still does so right now. And while he was willing to do wonderful things to save Israel from captivity in Egypt, He was quite willing to kill them all because of sin.
I read a devotional from Oswald Chambers and it touched me in different ways and prompted my writing of this post.

Never build your case for forgiveness on the idea that God is our Father and He will forgive us because He loves us. That contradicts the revealed truth of God in Jesus Christ. It makes the Cross unnecessary, and the redemption “much ado about nothing.” God forgives sin only because of the death of Christ. God could forgive people in no other way than by the death of His Son, and Jesus is exalted as Savior because of His death.

We need to remember as Christians, that every single time we kneel to ask for forgiveness, every single time we kneel in repentance that we ask God to remember Calvary, to remember the death of His only Son, the only one that lived a blameless life, to remember the Pain, the Death and the Suffering and the reason for it. We ask Him to remember the Pain of Forgiveness and have mercy. God knows I myself need to remember this as well, daily, to remember the simple statement our Lord Jesus Christ made to all sinners while on earth.

Go and sin no more!!!

Beyond the Prodigal border..

I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. Luke 15:18-19

We all know the story of the prodigal son, at one point in time, a lot of us have seen that story acted out in lives around us, most times we have even lived out that story in our very lives.
It starts slowly, very slowly, usually prompted by a sense of injustice caused by something God didn't do for us. We fail to see most times that God doesn't fail us, he never ever does, but people do all the time, from ages past, till date and even in times yet to come. We stop doing things we used to do, and start doing things we never used to do. We think we have it under control, but slowly it slips out of our control. I will bring to mind a scripture we hold dearly to heart

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding; And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, and the stone wall thereof was broken down. Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction. Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

I like to call it a little slip, a little stumble; that is how it starts. A little drink here, a little smoke there, just a little flirting there, just change the records this once, take this little token just this once. A year later you are wondering; How did I get this far? How did it get this bad? You close your eyes to things you shouldn't and open your eyes to things you shouldn't. And the rot begins, from the inside out. At first you do things in secret, hiding so the people you know won't see you, as time goes by, you stop being bothered and live out the rot in full view for anyone to see (does that remind you of someone?)

At several points I have wondered why people don't repent, I wonder why after Lucifer was cast out from heaven, why he didn't repent. I have wondered why Adam and Eve did not ask God for forgiveness. We say and a lot of times believe, that pride goes before a fall. Yet we harbor pride within us, and when we fall, rather than remove the pride, we add stubbornness to it. holding firmly, obstinately and sometimes foolishly to our faults, scared to admit that we were ever wrong. The sad thing is that it happens, you look at lives and wonder, how did it go so wrong? I have wondered why we have rehabs for alcoholics, drug addicts and all sorts of problems but none for prodigal Christians. Yes that is what the Church is supposed to be, but with everyone declaring for religion these days rather than Christianity, I wonder how that is supposed to work (but that is for another day).

I have lived that life, took me six months; six months of not spending time in fellowship with neither God or man, six months of my life spiraling out of control. Six months where the knock on the door of my heart that meant my Father had come calling, the knock that gave warnings, that knock that brought joy started prompting dread, took me into hiding, buried me under the covers rather than taking me to my knees. In the six months, my stubbornness and pride took me past that prodigal point, all through prodigal country, to all time lows even for me. I was dead inside a walking corpse, numb to emotions, just going through the motions. My life took me right to the Prodigal border. I stood and I looked beyond and all I saw was darkness, a darkness that even in my darkened state, frightened me enough to wake me up. I looked beyond the Prodigal border and I chose Life. Like the prodigal son I said I will arise and not just go back to my Father, but I have run back to him and I refuse to look back anymore. I chose Life, which would you choose?

Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. 1 Cor 10:12

One thing I ask for, one thing I require, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever. Amen.

Memoirs of a Broken Soldier...

I think of God and moan, overwhelmed with longing for His help. I keep thinking of the good old days of the past, long since ended. Then my nights were filled with joyous songs. I search my soul and meditate on the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Has he forgotten to be kind to one so undeserving? Will he never again be favorable? - King David (Extracts from Psalm 77)

Trouble came to my door, came into my house, I looked up not in fear, I am definitely not afraid, but looked up weary. My eyes say I have given up, giving up on all pertaining to Life. My morals still stand, even though they barely do, beaten down so hard and for so long that even the thought of going through the effort one more time, wears me down to my very depths.
I sleep but wake up tired, I dream, but even those are dull, edged with the numbness of one who just can't take any more. Not too long ago I would have laughed at the very thought of the very situation I find myself in, not too long ago, the very whisper of the word tired, would not have fazed me. Eager, expectant, energetic. All smiles, quick to laugh, those came freely, readily and at will. I have seen many walk down this road, seen many fall by the way, never ever would I have thought that it could happen to me.

If I had a story to tell, that is what it would be. The title? "Memoirs of a Broken Soldier". Been long, far too long that I have been away from this blog. It used to be my place to express the feeling from the depths of my heart. Now the words come and go, but the feelings stay. "The feeling that there is more to offer life, than what I am giving, the knowledge that I am more than who I am, that I am less than I actually should be. I know there is something missing, I even know what it is. I lost something along the way, and I want that back". These are the thoughts that run through my head daily. But then I take a step and I falter, I walk towards my path and suddenly a million other possibilities loom up. Rather than make a choice, rather than make the right choice, I sit back down once again and time, the ever rushing time sweeps by me once more.

What am I trying to say? So many times nowadays, we have the struggles, our struggles, beaten down, made to look like passive things that where never really a problem, we bring the problems low and lift the triumphs up high. Because really in the eyes of the world, the triumphs make us strong. But then those same trials those problems we beat down are the very same problems that pull so many out of this race we run. We would rather give testimonies of the pains and perils we go through, after we have gone through them, than share our problems right at the point we go through them, because we all believe that "having problems make us look weak". We would rather cry to God, but then we cry "Why"?, we cry "How long"? wanting answers. Rather than ask for His hand to hold and guide us through it all. We spend so much time using the sword of God's word rather than spending time sharpening it, and so what happens? It goes blunt and it falls apart, and it stops being as effective as it used to be.

Rather than focus on all that though, i will tell you a story. It starts with a man, a genesis, a beginning. Called out and chosen by God. It started with a land given to that same man by God. Move the time up by 400 years and we have a people in an exodus out of Egypt. On one side we have Joseph leading his family into the good of the land, on the other side, we have Moses leading his people into the good of another land. Oh yes we have a few chapters talking about the sufferings of God's people, but we do NOT focus on it. My story can be told by a million people around the world I am sure. Just like I am sure a million more have at one time felt tired, felt broken, felt like despite anything happening around them. I have a couple of words tonight, words to inspire, words to give hope;

Blood on the cross...
Calm in the midst of the storm...
Peace that passes all understanding...
A river of Life, from which you will never thirst again...
An ever abounding grace, which is our foundation, the very path we walk on, always, ever sufficient for you...

You have stayed tired long enough, I have stayed tired long enough. The EXODUS, begins NOW.

The trials are not to make you weary but strong...

You are not alone.

Breathe...

Truth be told, I would rather die fighting for what is right, than die fighting against the wrong in the world.

Over the last week, there was a time I felt so choked up, not choked up physically, but choked up emotionally, choked up in the spirit. So choked up the tears won't fall but rather there is a pain so deep that the only thing that would come out is simply "Why me?". Much as I would love to claim that there is a quickfix, a ready solution, there really isn't. At least not one that would work immediately. There are words that I would like to share, words that I do hope would comfort you.

Have you lost someone, something?
Ever been broken or are you hurting?
Lost a friend or a loved one maybe something precious
Tried to live right for long but lost all for briefly wrong?
Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered,
Where did all go wrong?
You cry but the tears don't come,
You are angry but even that feels so wrong,
You want to let go because you feel so numb,
But then the thought of that makes it worse.
You search for comfort, you search for hope,
But then failure to find them every single time,
Leaves you gasping, gasping for air that just won't come.
You smile, but you feel bitter,
At night, you toss and turn, sleep won't come
In the morning, you just want to go back to bed.
You never feel quite ready to face your day.

Memories all around? Of what was and what could have been that isn't. You see people all around who by right should be worse of than you and one dares to wonder at the injustice of the world. And as one wonders, one wanders and starts choking.
You need air? Stop and take a deep breath, stop seeking answers, stop asking questions and just breathe. Breathe in God's presence and let go of all that bothers you. Because truly, time spent questioning God in anger, with a sense of falsely placed injustice, is time spent away from the comfort of His hands. Just breathe. Till you get to that point, a time when what upsets you, isn't the wrong in the world, but the right that isn't.
Let go, leave it all to the One who actually knows and just breathe. Rather than find comfort in places that are not sure, comfort yourself in the Lord. Let Him take care of you.

Breathe.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but then neither does one wrong and no reaction. Only right begets right.

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

Prepare yourself...

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened". Matthew 7:7-8

This morning these words hit me two simple words, "Prepare yourself". And Matthew 7:7-8 came to my mind. That is one of the best passages to many people. I mean it literally says ask, seek and knock. What does that translate to? Pray without ceasing? Give without expecting? While a lot would agree, on this morning I beg to differ. Looking at the three different aspects of the passage, this is what I see.

Ask: Ask and it shall be given to you. Now the question is, how do I know what to ask for? Matthew 7:9 talks about asking for bread and receiving stone or asking for fish and receiving a snake. That surely is wickedness and I know for a fact and truth that my Father is not wicked. Now what if, what if I dare ask, we are asking for stones instead of bread? What if we ask for fishes instead of snakes? Do we expect our merciful father to grant our requests? There is a scripture that the Holy Spirit is continuously making intercessions on our behalf, and that what is asked for is what we need.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. - Romans 8:26-27

Now what if, what if I dare ask, what we ask for is very different from what the Holy Spirit is pleading for on our behalf? Does "where two or three are gathered in my name" ring a bell? Now if you can't have that within yourself there is a big problem indeed. Prepare yourself!!

Seek: Seek and you shall find? Where do you seek? What do you seek? You can't search for an apple in a cornfield, you definitely won't find an apple tree growing on a sea bed.

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces" - Matthew 7:6

In the same way you don't give them sacred things or precious stones, you definitely shouldn't be searching for sacred things among dogs or pigs. Apart from not being able to find any, you will most likely be torn to pieces. Once again I say Prepare yourself!!! Not just about knowing what to search for but it is also about knowing where to search for it.

Knock Given a choice, I am sure we all would want to be like Lot, wanting the choicest of all that we see. I am sure the same principle would apply to doors.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" Matthew 7:13-14

Now I am not implying that all doors should look small and the path behind them should be narrow. I am saying however that sometimes the doors we spend so much time knocking on, may not be the right doors for us. We all want the good things of life, forgetting it is the God things that matter. Forgetting the most important thing, that it is the doors to our hearts and lives that are the most important thing to Him. Opening that door always gives answers to the questions we ask and most importantly, gives us the right questions to ask.


Before we ask, before we seek, before we knock, we should open the doors to our hearts. We should "Prepare ourselves"

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me - Revelations 3:20

Who am I...? (Mistaken Identities)

I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind - Eccl 1:16-17

That is a question that struck me one night before I went to bed. It struck me not because of its simplicity, but because it could be a question most people do not have an answer to, but a question people have asked themselves indirectly in one way or the other. A lot of times no matter where we find ourselves, we sometimes have this feeling of dissatisfaction. We feel there is something missing, there is something more that we perhaps should have but then, that is by the way.

In life we have different roles to play, I choose to call them layers. We are born we have parents, that is a layer, people see us as our parents' kids. There are things expected of us which we do as kids, some people spend practically all their lives as kids never to grow up, till probably the parents pass on. We grow up, we have careers after spending some time in school. We live our lives and we pass on. What happens after we pass on is between us and God. Here are random thoughts from me, thoughts from my depths.

Who am I?

We are born as kids, we live our lives as we are expected to.
Most times we do, sometimes we don't. That is a layer.
We go to school, we take up careers we think we best fit to do.
We play the part, act as students, yet another layer.
Sometime within this period, questions arise;
Purpose, reasons for being, who am I, how do I live,
We search for answers, answers to live a life that is nice.
We pick a purpose, attach a reason, pick a lifestyle and we live.
But lack satisfaction because with all that, we lack an identity.
So we attach religion, hoping God we give us the answers we seek.
Most times however, we ask the wrong questions,
We ask praying earnestly for the right answer.
And when that answer don't come we ask even more questions.

I am a doctor, an engineer, a consultant, a pilot.
I am a chef, a priest, a teacher, a professor.
I heal people so they call me doctor, but who am I to myself?
I am an engineer, I build and fix things, but who am I to myself?
I have children, so many children, I raise them, feed them, wipe their tears,
I give them all they need, but who do I see when I look in a mirror?
Who do I see when I toss and turn at night?
A chef, priest, teacher, doctor. Underneath it all, who are we?
We have teachers that steal, we have thieves that teach.
Criminals make wonderful fathers, yet we have outstanding men,
Good men in the society that have no idea what it means to be a father.
There are people, touts, ragga-muffins, street urchins, who will die for you,
Just because of the loaf of bread or the good deed, done for them by you.
But you devote your life to a loved one for years and they still walk away.
Funny how we trust pilots, doctors, taxi and bus drivers,
We trust them even though that may be the only encounter we have with them,
But we find it hard to trust the people we see daily in our lives.
Funny how we go to church every Sunday and never speak to the person next to us,
But we have no qualms about hitting up the guy or girl sitting next to us in the pub/club.
We find ourselves more comfortable with strangers, than with the people we know,
Not because the people we know are wrong or bad, but because most times,
We shield that knowledge about who we are, the center and the core of our being.
We hide because we really cannot face the truth about what/who we are.


Successful people commit suicide regularly, they have money, they have wealth, they have fame, but they are unhappy. We have friends that change and we wonder why, what happened? There have also been times when we have denied who we really are, either due to circumstances or due to the environment, because we were ashamed or shy of what people would think or say (I am guilty of this). I wonder what is the point then? If you can't stand out on a rooftop and identify with yourself then really, how does one live? There are a number of people who stood out for who they were in the bible, I pick just two; Joseph and Daniel. Simple men who because they did not bend or compromise for any reason where taken far above their peers. Who you are should cut across all the areas of your life, whether you be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher or a parent. Whether you are in church or in a pub, people should be able to say this is who this man is... And most importantly, it should tie in with the image you see of yourself when you look in a mirror... Even more important is this, it should tie in with the image God has of you.
David put it so well in the passage Psalm 27:4

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

For him even, there were times he fell... But that passage was the driving force behind him for his entire life and it was consistent in all areas. What is yours?



God is no respecter of persons. He loves us equally though.

Warning signs...

Sometimes we want to believe in a thing so much, we fail to see the warning signs before our eyes

At a point in our lives, we make that big mistake, the one so big we not only believe the ground should open up and make room for us but we also believe that we can never make the same mistake ever again. We say once bitten twice shy, most times we do get bitten again on that very same spot. Oh yes, I have been there, bitten not once, but over and over again.

Imagine you were a little child once again, imagine you were running down a path. In a hurry so focused that you fail to see the signs warning you of the danger ahead. Maybe you do see one or two, but then you are a little child, you have no fear of the unknown and yes there is that deadly mixture of excitement and curiosity that has caught so many of us when young. An excitement and curiosity that lasts just long enough for you to fall into the traps. A child learns, learns quickly by events like that, learns not to go into such situations again. That is how we learn not to play with fire, put our hands in sockets or bad electrical appliances (that is for me). As kids, we learn to generally stay well clear of the things that hurt us. That is one side of the story.

As christians, especially young ones using me as a case study, there are times we mess up, mess up so badly that we ourselves feel God should roll us in his mouth and spit us out. We have our good days and we have our exceptionally bad ones. Having God's love, having Jesus as our mediator, we get back from the bad days. But then there is a difference between a physically young child and a young christian. Where a kid would not dare to tread after a fall on the last time out, where a young child would realize his limits, a young christian who has fallen along the same lines, would come back the next day believing that with more prayers, a little more fasting, a little more of right living and he WILL overcome. And we run the same path, over and over again, not realizing that the problem is not with the prayers, not with the fasting but it is with the very path I run. Reminds me of the passage

Proverbs 14:12

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

I would change that verse and add this to it. It leads to death every single time, regardless of the amount of prayers, the amount of fasting or the number of hands that are joined with you to rebuke all the warning signs and traps set along the way.

1 Cor 10:12-13 says

12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

The warning signs are there for a reason not to be rebuked, not to be prayed about but to provide a way out for you. I don't know where you are at the moment, I don't know if you have had warning signs along the way, signs that rather than take heed of, you decide to pray about. Does it feel like dejavu? Then perhaps you should get off that path now.

Beware of thinking that intercession means bringing our own personal sympathies and concerns into the presence of God, and then demanding that He do whatever we ask - Oswald Chambers

Closer....

"A man of many companions may come to ruin but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Have you ever known someone, who mattered more to you than anyone else, who mattered so much to you that a day spent not seeing or hearing from the person just did not feel complete. Am not talking of a husband/wife, not talking of a boyfriend/girlfriend. I am talking of a friend.
True friendships are rare, hard to find and so very difficult to forget. I use the word true because there are a lot of relationships that can be confused as friendships. When push comes to shove however, these relationships break and fall apart, under pressure, from outside and within, that person just doesn't fit the bill. With true friendship, distance makes you cherish not forget the relationship, time makes the bond stronger, conflict brings you closer together. Friend takes priority over anything or anyone else, a friend that sticks closer than a brother/sister. A friend that knows you better, a lot better than anyone else or even your friend. A lovely relationship indeed.
There was friendship like that in the bible, the relationship between Jonathan and David, a friendship so deep that Jonathan had no troubles about giving up his princely duties for David, was willing to risk his life for David. David cared so much for his friend that he took priority over the women of that time. That is something rare to find, so rare indeed that when David became king, he looked for something of his friend that he could cherish (Mephibosheth).

Now I look at that relationship and think of my relationship not with men, but with God. Oh yes I mean my relationship with God. I want to get to a place where God takes priority over anything else in my life, a place where if I do not speak or hear from Him each day, my heart would not just want to break but be literally breaking. There was a kind of relationship that Enoch had with God that made God take him straight up to heaven before he died, the kind of relationship God had with Moses that made him take up his body and bury him, David was called the man after God's own heart. Daniel did not ask God to close up the lions' mouth, ELijah had given up, God fed him and encouraged him. What more can you ask for? You are down and you have God, God himself to encourage you. Moses actually saw the back of God. These are men, men like you, men like me. Are the ladies being left out? Oh no, because the one thing I would like to ask is this, who remained at the cross by Jesus when all others had abandoned Him? Who saw him first after He was risen?

Why am I saying all this? There is a song I have been listening to for some time now, over and over again. It is a song I know, but a song that just fits at the moment. I am in a new place, a new experience and after the initial period where one flounders, oh yes I should still be in that stage, but all of a sudden a lot of things don't matter anymore, God does. Will share some of the lines and just say why they fit and make so much sense to me at the moment.

Closer - William McDowell

Into your arms
I’m drawing near again
To dwell with you
It’s my only heart’s desire
It’s my only heart’s desire

All I can do
Is fall on my knees and cry
Cleanse me with fire
And purify my heart

Draw me close
Closer than before
Closer than I’ve ever been

If you were the prodigal child, returning to your father's house, what would matter most to you? Would it just be gaining back what you lost? Or would it be gaining back what you lost and more? Or would it just be about getting into the house.
Oh yes you used to pray twice a day before, you used to give worship so sweet, it turned the stone faced man at the back to jelly, when you return, would it just be about coming to the place where you feel okay with every thing around you? The answer for me is no, I want a relationship where time apart makes me want Him more, a relationship where what matters more at all times is Him. I want a relationship where I get closer to Him between the times we meet, all the time. I want to get closer to Him daily, closer than I was before, where each time I get closer than I have ever been. A relationship where what matters most to me, isn't about getting to heaven, but about that relationship between me and Him.





Thy kingdom come Lord on earth as it is in heaven.

His Father's Child

The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life-only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord
I and my Father are one....

There would have been many kids on that playground, he wouldn't have been any different, same looks, same dressing, all playing together. One thing would have probably made him stand out. Where others would have said they wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, carpenters, fishermen; he would have said something quite different. he would have said all he wanted to be was his father's child. Who wants that? I mean we all grow up, grow up to make our decisions in life. You can't just be a child forever. Yet that was the guiding principle of the boy Jesus till his death.
At 12 years of age, not many are concerned with their father's business. The few who are will be seen as not wanting to have a childhood, a time to just play around and do nothing. But he was different. That was his primary concern.

Having grown up, being a man at the moment (although some may disagree). I look at the life of a common man (namely me). And I look back at the life of a seemingly common child, and I cannot help but wonder. For most of us, we are asked what we want to be in life and we blag. We say all manner of things and roles we would like to be, which most times we have no idea about and the funny thing is that we actually believe it. I want to be an engineer(when we don't know maths), a doctor (we absolutely hate biology), e.t.c. just because it sounds cool. Oh I wanted to be an aeronautical engineer by the way. Thought working for NASA would be cool (pity my parents translated it to aviation). Leaving the long talk aside, I just wonder, how many of us want what our parents want? Its either we are imposing our will on them or they are imposing their will on us. How many of us could have walked up to our parents and said, dad/mum, I know whatever it is you want for me, I want it too. What do you think your folks reaction would be?

We know God's will for us, for those of us that do, how many actually accept it? For those that don't how many can confidently come out and say, God I don't know what you have planned for me today, but whatever it is, I am okay with it.
Maybe Jesus was too young, but then the bible says, remember your creator in the days of your youth not after you are too old to care about anything else anymore. So what does that mean? Jesus even as a human child, all through his life, till he died, was walking scripture. What mattered to him most was not what people thought about him, he was very humble and respectful to his parents, but he was bold enough to stand for God when it mattered most, even as a little child.
I and my Father are one, the Child said, one not in flesh, but one in spirit and in mind, as the Father commanded, so He did, He walked, thought and taught as His Father wanted. He is a living testimony of what can be, He is His Father's child.
Psalm 91:1-2 says

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

There are a lot of promises after the first two verses, but the part I love the most are the final verses.

Psalm 91:14-16

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

In summary, because you are your Father's child you are covered.
It starts from the days of your youth, it starts now.

I know He watches me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me

It was raining a year ago and it is raining tonight... That is how great stories start. There is nothing great about this, nothing spectacular or wonderful, it is just what it is, a story. It is said what makes a great story is not the storyline, but in the way it is told. It is such a wonder that even though the lessons (not stories) of the bible are told in such bland and simple terms, they have the power to hold a person, a multitude spellbound for hours on end, not because of the story or the storyteller but because of the power behind it, because of the lessons behind each and every line. That is for another day, another time, another story.

Have you missed someone, a part of your life, missed something you used to do. Have you ever missed the person you used to be, the laughter, the joy of just living. Woken up reached for someone that just isn’t there, opened the door to a room empty now, because its occupants are all gone. If you have ever picked up your phone, to dial a contact that just isn’t there anymore, felt the heartache of a lost one, a brother, sister, mother, father or child. A best friend, a sweetheart, up all night plagued by memories of times long gone only to wake up with the realisation the so cold realisation that truly and really, those times are long gone. Three years ago, you had the world at your finger tips. Today, you are just another person, a person nobody really cares about. Three years ago you had the world at your beck and call. Today many heartbreaks, heartaches and losses after, you are just a shell of the shadow of who you were. It is a hard bitter pill to swallow, ask Job if you can, ask Jacob if you will. Hardly anyone remembers that David lost the closest and dearest to him, a friend that was closer to him than a brother, no one wonders what he did with his heartache. No one asked Jacob how he felt after he lost Rebekkah. I don’t think to ask God how he feels after I break His heart each and every time I go astray. Have you ever waited for a text or message to come? Checked your phone every couple of minutes, waiting for that message to just come in? Ever been expectant for a miracle? Think of the father waiting for his prodigal son to come home, looking in the direction his son left, every single day, till his son came home. I am a father, I know where my son is, but there are times when I get a phone call and I absolutely freak out, thinking maybe something has happened that shouldn’t have. But then even this is another story.

I have heard my pastor say a number of times that if you jump off into unknown/unsure territory, God will either catch you before you fall, or teach you how to fly. Now what if you stumble? Because I am sure all the times he has mentioned it, there have been one or more people right at the bottom. Is that the end? No He is able and just to forgive your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness Am not just saying it because I feel like, i am saying this as a sure fact, saying this because I have seen the bottom and touched it, and God still brought me out. He is always standing at the door knocking, He is ever willing to leave the 99 locked up securely to come out and look for you, whether it is sunny, rainy or snowy. Whether you are in the middle of so much trouble that you don’t know where to turn, where to run or who to run to, He is there. I am not going to mention Joseph or Daniel, Paul, Silas or Peter, they cried out in right standing with God. I will however mention Jonah, who ran away from God, at the cost of the lives of thousands in a city. Have you ever by your action or inaction done anything that could jeopardise the lives of thousands? God heard Jonah from the belly of the fish. Surely He can hear you from the bottom of the mountain. He can send His angels to guide you so you don’t dash your feet against the stony bottom.

Have you missed someone, a part of your life, missed something you used to do. Have you ever missed the person you used to be, the laughter, the joy of just living? It’s been a while since I laughed sincerely from my heart, been a while since I sat down comfortably with someone and had a decent conversation, it has been a while since I slept at night knowing that I would wake up and just chill (aaah the joys of work). I do look back sometimes and wish that things could be different, but even then I dare not look back for long, because I have done that in the past and missed out entirely on the present. I have realised this however. I have realised that it’s not about living without a care in the world but living, knowing each and every care and burden you have is taken care of. That is living free, living without a care for where to place your head. Living knowing that even though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He is your comforter and your guide, that is living knowing that without a doubt the one whose eyes are on the sparrow are always, ever watching you.

Live strong....

Magnify yourself

There are usually two ways in life, the way that seems right and the right way.

I sat for hours, days and weeks thinking of what to write and how to write what would be a true expression of myself. Myself and how I have felt and been for the past couple of months. There are usually two ways in life, the way that seems right and the right way. I used those two terms, because there are paths that are not options. Not because they don't seem right but because they are not options that we would consider so they simply do not count. Now the problem is the time it takes to come to the decision on which path to take. For the last three or so months, I have stayed at the crossroads for the past three months and have literally watched my life fall apart, not because of what I did, but because of what I didn't do. In those three months, things I thought not important became important and things I held dear became rather unimportant. Indecision led to less study, less worship, less prayer, less dependence on God, more thinking, more flirting with the world and more time accepting that sitting at that point, "just chilling", was the right thing to do. In "just chilling", I began to compare what I didn't have with what others had and I began to long for it, long for them, forgetting and forsaking what I have and what I had. Sitting in church yesterday, even after I had started writing this post, I realized one thing exposed even more by a scripture shared in church by the pastor. In sitting down, in comparing myself with others, in wanting what they had that I didn't, I exposed myself. In sitting in one spot, wishing rather than moving on and doing, I set standards for myself far below God's standards for my life and I literally have watched life pass me by.

2 Cor 10:12-13 says

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the field God has assigned to us, a field that reaches even to you.

To cut the long story short, in wanting what others had, in wanting their lives and failing to live my own life, I left the field given to me to till.
In sitting in one position watching others in my field, my life became fallow and so full of weeds that if I were a farmer I would be called wretched by men and of no use to the world as a whole.

So what is it I am trying to say here, we have gifts we have talents, God given. We have lives we have purposes, designed not by us but by God, our specific areas where we are supposed to shine out as lights. I say to myself now what I haven't told myself before now. If I cannot make an impact in my immediate environment be it work, home or even in church, then I am of no use. Why? Because at he end of the day, the money, the cars, the houses, even the children do not give satisfaction, at the end of your life what would be important is not the material wealth, but the impact you have had on the lives around you.

I wrote up some things in the past couple of weeks, things that may be helpful to you when you are down, I pray they do touch someone out there.

Fire burns every time no matter how many times you put your hand in it... Once bitten twice shy, learn your lesson. Getting older or stronger is all in the head, the same things that made you fall initially, can still make you fall today.

Peace that passes all understanding
That peace don't mean trials and tribulations won't come, however it means that you will be able to sleep in storms, walk into lions' dens, be threatened by flames and Goliath's and not fear, not because they can or cannot harm you, but because you know of a truth that you are exactly where God your father wants you to be.



You can cry about heartbreak all day, but in so doing you are breaking your Father's heart. Stop standing still and moaning about the things around you, move forward and your environment will eventually change.


Looking back turns you to a pillar of salt, that in turn will mean that when storms come you will wash away. Look up to Jesus at all times, the author and finisher of our faith...

What you don't know can't hurt you, but then it can... Too much knowledge causes paranoia... Understanding on the other hand means no matter what, you do understand why things are... The peace He gives goes far beyond that, it makes you sleep through storms, walk through flames and sleep with lions. Goliath's are defeated with pebbles, a thousand men by a single man, whole armies by three hundred. Peace that passes all understanding but His, because He knows all.

I'm my search for peace it eluded me, I tried patience for peace, but it didn't bring understanding. I tried long suffering but it only brought me bitterness... I tried praising at all times, but it came from my lips and not my heart, it brought me no joy... I could say I turned to God, but it is a lie... God found me.

Finally people, another thing I learned, magnify your gifts, magnify your talents. If I can make myself look good physically on days when I feel like dirt inside, then surely I can learn to make up my interior.